Hankenstein
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: A parody of Vampira's 'Valentine.' It's... Weird. That's all I can really say about it.


Yup, yup, yup, yup... I'ma gonna do it again. I shall once again parodize one of Vampira's fics, called 'Valentine'. I, using the name GoNRA, shall write 'Hankenstein'. (NRA stands for National Redneck Association, and I'm only using that name for my parodies of Vampira's fics.) With nothing more to say except that I'm naming my fic after one of Cledus T. Judd's songs and using the song for inspiration, I shall begin Hankenstein....  
  
Hankenstein  
by: Moat Squirrel (I just found out she wrote this as goat girl...)  
  
Anime Series: Gundam Wing  
Roman Ants/ Mama/Suspenders/Alternating Underwear/Thongfic/None Thought  
Not an orange or a banana  
YOA(w)i!: Heero and Duo  
Story Blurb: It's Valentines Day. Heero has feelings for Duo and for some unknown reason goes insane after watching 'Frankenstein' and decides to foller a simular procedure. He creates Hankenstein from the body of a dead country music singer, and Hankenstein decides to have a little fun. Will this be parody have anything in common with the original? Will Heero tell Duo of his feelings for him? Will Hankenstein drive the two of them crazy? Will I ever shut up? Read and find out!  
  
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to my good friend GroundPigeon.  
  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and all associated trademarks and characters, and Tom Cruise, are MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!! And the songs are... Aw, forget it. They aren't mine.  
  
WARNING: There may be some ookiness. At times you may be tempted to shout "OOKY!" But please refrain from doing so or any people nearby will wonder about your mental health.  
  
FYI: Heero and Duo are however the hell old they were on the Valentines Day after Endless Waltz. They share a house in ChilliClothe, Misery in Mascara. (Vampira's runnin' out of places to put them!) Nobody tries to make them turn over the house to someone oer 18 because everytime anyone goes near their house, Heero runs outside and shoots at them.  
  
Heero paced the bathroom of the house he and Duo shared. It was his day off, ut Duo stillwas forced to go to work at the alcoholic beverage bar at Wal Mart, handing out free alcohol to anyone under 18. Since Duo had found out about the alcoholic beverage bar and applied for a job there, he'd been making daily trips to Wal Mart. Heero could easily understand why. "And with today being Halloween..." Heero began, and then saw the calendar. "WHAT?! It's Valentines Day?!? Wow, the months just flew by..." Heero cared for Duo a lot. Why, he even liked him. Oh... Sorry, there's been a script change... *Ahem* Heero was madly in love with Duo, and fought off several urges daily. He cursed himself everyday because of it. Not because he resisted the urges, but because... Um... Okay, another script change. Heero was madly in love with Duo, but didn't have the guts to tell him so. He cursed himself everyday because of it, and had to go to the local witchdoctor frequently to get the curses removed.  
  
A few modifications, and... Oh, uh... I'll write the paragraph now. *Ahem* It wouldn't be all that ig of a deal, but Heero always liked Valentines Day. It was the one day that Relena would never bother him, because she didn't want him to think that she was being too forward. So he got one day of peace to just sit down and stare at Duo for 24 hours. But Noooooo, he had to work this year. Oh yeah, and he wanted to do something special for Duo. Duo was clueless, and this Heero knew. Oh! Sorry! I meant that Duo didn't have a clue about Heero's feelings for him. And Heero still wanted to do something special. Isn't that nice. Heero figured that when Duo got home, he'd do everything possibly to make sure Duo was relaxed, so that he wouldn't kill him when he found out what Heero had done. And he didn't want Duo to figure out why he had done it just yet, either.  
  
EEK! I've finally done it! Oh, crap! I cut my story off of the main story line of the original... Oh well. *Ahem* Heero had been planning this ever since he'd seen Frankenstein a few weeks ago, and had reserved he and Duo a table at a karaoke bar. Of course, he only did that because a kind, gentle, sweet, loveable, nice, considerate man named GoNRA reminded him to do so. And he made sure that there was plenty of Duo's favorite kind of chocolates on the table. Chocolate covered in more chocolate covered in more chocolate wrapped in a layer of fudge covered in more chocolate with one more layer of fudge topped off with another thick layer of chocolate. Needless to say, only a few chocolates were able to fit on the table. Heero prayed for everything to go right. After all, since Vampira stole my damn line about Heero being madly in love with Duo, Heero really wanted his love to be returned. Even if the receipt was lost somewhere along the way. Oh! That ind of return. Sorry...  
  
Aw, well this ruins my whole planned story line! Well, I'll think of something... Or I could just begin now... Alright, I just might begin the more odd stuff now. Maybe... Possibly... Uh... AW, HELL! I'm doin' it! From here on out, things will be truly strange and unnormal! (This is where you yell "OOKY!") Duo then burst through the door. "Heero, I'm home!" He shouted happily, full of energy from someone who had just got off work at 2 AM. Then Heero walked out of the bathroom and saw Duo standing at the door. "Hey, Duo? I... I think you should see what I've been working on these past few weeks..." Duo nodded his head. "Good. It's about tie you decided to show me. I'e been dying to know!" Then Heero ran back somewhere in the house and returned a few minutes later with a green skinned man wearing a cowboy hat (And some clothes too) following closely behind.  
  
"Duo, meet Hankenstein. He's a dead country singer person." Duo glared at Heero. "Heero, you got some 'splainin' to do." Heero pouted. "Oh, but Ricky..." Duo scratched his head. "Ricky?" "Oh, sory. I guess I watched a few too many episodes of I Love Luci." Duo nodded his head. "hat's understandable, Weezy." Heero gave Duo a strange look. "Oh, sorry. The Jeffersons." Heero nodded his head. We watch way too much Nick At Nite... Well, there isn't anything to 'splain. I dug up a dead guy and shoved his nose in an electrical socket repeatedly until he came back to life. Then I yelled 'Uh-oh! It's alive!'" Duo nodded his head. "Okay then. Take the green guy into the back yard and bury him so I can get to sleep without having nightmares about a green guy strangling me or something." Heero shook his head. "You can't go to sleep. We're going to Cledus' Karaoke."  
  
Duo glanced at Hankenstein. "With that?" Heero nodded his head, and Duo shrugged his shoulders. Hankenstein winked. Heero frowned. Duo shook Heero's hand. Hankenstein patted Duo's head. Heero sneezed. Duo picked Heero's nose. Hankenstein laughed at Heero. Heero waved at Duo. The three of them stopped doing stuff and walked to Duo's car, and Heero drove them to Cledus' Karaoke. Once there, they were greeted by a rather large man. (Not muscle. Fat. Large as in fat.) He introduced himself as Cledus and showed them inside after they payed him the cover charge. The cover charge was the low, low price of 200 dollars. Per person. At that point in time, Heero regretted paying for everything. When Duo saw the chocolates on their table, he quickly began to devour them, and while Heero tried to stop him from inhaling the chocolates, Hankenstein discovered the stage...  
  
Heero, Duo, and everyone else that had a spare 200 dollars to waste on getting into Cledus' Karaoke suddenly gave their full attention to Hankenstein when he began to sing. This is what he sang:  
  
"She cooks with lard, loves hot food bars.  
A quart of sweet tea and fried pork skins.  
Cain't get enough, eats 'til she's stuffed  
Goes to the bathroom and comes back again.  
She thinks she looks just like  
Madonna when she runs her greasy  
fingers through her bleach blond hair.  
Most times she'll place another order  
and lordy have mercy on that little bitty chair.  
She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles,  
eatin' me out of house and home.  
Her booty size, well it oughta be illegal,  
she has a hard time sittin' on the throne.  
Hamburgers, hot dogs,  
cheese fries and coleslaw,  
a dozen bearclaws,  
yum yum yum.  
Loves sausage links,  
hates diet drinks, takes up  
both seats in a two-seater car.  
Her doctor said "lay off the bread",  
but he didn't say nothin' 'bout a Snickers bar.  
She drinks sweet milk by the gallon  
and she'd never eat a salad or a lean cuisine.  
Then she'll lay spread out on the hammock  
after she's done her damage at the Dairy Queen.  
She's got a butt bigger than the beatles  
folks make fun 'cause she's overgrown.  
Her rumps shaped like a Volkswagen beetle  
she gives new meaning to the words big boned.  
Bagels and cream cheese  
vaniller ice cream  
a tub of whipped cream  
yum yum yum.  
No you wont find her name on the weight loss of fame  
down at Jenny Craigs.  
When she cleans 'em out at the waffle house  
they'll bring in more ham and eggs.  
She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles  
her favorite food is chocolate ding dongs.  
It's wide enough to play line backer for the Eagles  
Deon Sanders better leave her alone.  
Try chicken halfs baked, or a fat free milk shake.  
Enough for gods sake, stop the insanity!  
Weight Watchers, yeah.  
Weight Watchers, yeah.  
Yeah, I watched her weight,  
I watched it go from 117 and a quarter to 317 and a half,  
two and a half years later. Moooooooooo!"  
  
Once Hankenstein had finished his song, the jaws of all present dropped as he dedicated the song to Relena Peacecraft. Then Cledus ran onstage and forced Hankenstein offstage. Then he motioned for Heero to get onstage. "You payed me ta sing this song, so yer gonna sing it!" Cledus informed him, and got offstage. Heero cleared his throat, dedicated the song he was about to sing to Duo Maxwell, the guy with the mouth full of chocolate, and then sang this song: ( = Song Lyrics)  
  
"Well you're dern right I know Martina Macbride,  
I've got her cell phone number right here, look here...  
"The cellular customer you are calling is not  
answering her phone simply because she has caller ID,  
and she KNOWS that it's you, Cledus T. Judd! Quit calling!*  
I'll try her later.  
You say I'm always talking  
when I should be driving  
but everbody does it these days.  
You say I'm gettin' cancer  
ever time I answer  
yeah, whatever you say.  
Wish I could change my service  
shoulda never signed up  
heck, it never works anyway.  
The signals always breakin'  
I can't hear nothin'."  
  
Then Duo interrupted the song. "Heero, why'd you dedicate this song to me?"  
  
"Hey, what did you say?  
  
"Well, I just asked why you dedicated the song to me."  
  
I know you can't hear me,  
there aint no use in listenin'.  
I can't tell what you're sayin',  
all I hear is hissin'.  
Yeah, the more that I roam,  
the more I gotta pay,  
I'm on my cellphone."  
  
Duo interruted the song yet again. "Heero, those chocolates were good. Could you order some more?"  
  
"What the *$@# did you say?  
  
"Well, you don't have to get so mad!"  
  
I oughta get a beeper,  
It'd be a whole lot cheaper,  
just throw this cell phone in the lake.  
I'd really love to call you,  
but even when I get through,  
It's always 'what did you say?'  
Can anybody hear me,  
or am I just wastin' minutes?  
I'm at 1500,  
750 was my limit.  
Hey, I gotta go.  
I can't hear you anyway.  
I'm on my cellphone."  
  
Duo finally began to figure out just what was going on. "Heero, this is all part of some plan of yours to tell me that you love me, isn't it? You wanna know whether I feel the same or not? Well, I'll tell you."  
  
"What the *$@# did you say?  
Oh, the more that I roam,  
the more I gotta pay.  
I'm on my cell phone."  
  
"HEERO! You can stop singing, now! I love you too!"  
  
"What the *$@# did you say?"  
  
Duo glared up at Heero. "You heard me. Stop asking what I said, it's starting to annoy me." Heero jumped off the stage and walked over to Duo. "Those were song lyrics, Duo. I had to say that." "Oh." Then a man across the room sitting next to a woman stood up and glared at her. "Alright, let me get my point across this way." And then began to sing another song:  
  
"Sorry I fell down,  
but it's my thirteenth round.  
Been drinking kamikaze shooters  
and royal crown.  
And that there wine...  
Oh, it gets me every time.  
Point me towards the pay phone,  
I gotta call a ride home.  
I begged 'em purty please  
for a bacardi breeze.  
They just said 'You're cut off'  
and took away my car keys.  
'Ya dun fell off the bar,  
can't have ya drivin' yer car.  
With all the cops around this town  
you wouldn't get too far.'  
Is it too much to ask,  
can you fill up my glass?  
No I'm not in here for love.  
I'm a sot just willin'  
to drink up all you got.  
No, I don't care if you're his wife  
'cause I ain't lookin' for love.  
So I'm beggin' ya dear,  
don't have me thrown out of here.  
I'm not in here for love, just a beer.  
Babe, I can rock your world.  
That is if I don't hurl.  
Show you a thing or two  
for a sip a ye brew.  
Don't make a grown man whine,  
I'm in a bit of a bind.  
Oh the backwash of your miller lite,  
oh, it tastes so fine.  
Ya see, I don't care  
if you think I'm weird.  
No I'm not in here for love, lady.  
I'm a sot just willin'  
to drink up all you got.  
I don't care if you're his wife,  
'cause I'm not lookin' for love.  
Ya see, I skipped AA tonight,  
No I'm not lookin' for love.  
Just a beer."  
  
Just after the man finished his song, an old boyfriend of Heero's walked up to him and asked him to dance. Heero quickly kicked him between the legs, delivered a few swift punches to the gut, gave him a black eye, and knocked him to the floor. He somehow managed to crawl to the stage and grab the microphone, and sang yet another song:  
  
"Well I asked you to dance  
now my nose is broken.  
Must have said somethin' wrong,  
gosh, I was just jokin'.  
But it's hard not to cry  
with a gussied up eye,  
my face sprayed with mace.  
If you didn't want to dance,  
you could have just said so.  
And if I'd only ducked fast,  
then I wouldn't have bled so.  
Do you think there's a chance  
you could call an ambulance?  
Oh, God, I'm in pain.  
You have no right to remain violent.  
That kick to my crotch,  
well, that was very uncalled for.  
You continued to beat and beat me  
'til I was black and blue.  
I'd been wanting you,  
but not any longer,  
'cause it's brutally clear  
that you're so much stronger.  
I'm madder than fire,  
my jaws are both wired.  
One hell of a date...  
I didn't know my bladder had failed me  
until I looked down at my pants.  
I think I'm in desperate need of hospitalization,  
but I ain't got no danged insurance.  
You have no right to remain violent.  
That kick to my crotch,  
well, that was very uncalled for.  
You continued to beat and beat me  
'til I was black and blue.  
I'd been wanting you,  
but not any longer,  
'cause it's brutally clear  
that you're so much stronger.  
'Cause I'm madder than fire,  
my jaws is both wired.  
That's one hell of a date.  
I bought a camcorder,  
got a restraining order.  
Now lay your hands on me.  
I guess that's what you get when you ask a perfect stranger to dance."  
  
Then Heero and Duo exchanged a glance, ran onto the stage, and played a little game of soccer using Heero's ex as the ball. Once they had finished, Duo grabbed the microphone. "Alright, now, sorry to bust up the party, but Heero's got to go to bed." Duo said, grinning as he finished. That was met with a "Who's Heero?" from all the people present, and then Duo and Heero left the karaoke bar. Then the clock struck Midnight and a limousine pulled up next to the two. Relena, fat and ugly as always, rolled out of the limousine and bounced over to Heero, attempting to hug him. Of course, her arm couldn't reach him, because the fat folds got in her way, so Heero ended up being buried under Relena's many chins. Then, in one simple gesture of kindness (It was a kind thing from Heero's point of view), Duo took a running leap at Relena, causing her to roll down the hill they were at the top of, knocking over an old lady and her dog, several stray cats, and demolishing several houses before she finally came to a stop, miles away... In the Pacific Ocean. She was immediately attacked by sharks, and was never seen or heard from again until one day when a man ordered shark fin soup in a restaurant... (I'll bet you can't tell that I don't like Relena!)  
  
Well, I guess I'll bring this parody to an end. Don't forget to review, and... Ciao! 


End file.
